Modding Zell
by Vick330
Summary: Zell loves message boards, but lately someone has been moderating all of his postings...What will our friend do about it? Read on to find out. PG for some foul language :)


**MODDING ZELL**

A (pointless) fanfic by Vick330 the MadScientist

********** _Disclaimer_ **********

Squaresoft owns Final Fantasy VIII and its characters. I just own a brain that, somehow, managed to slip through the cracks at the quality control department.

This is a pointless story, inspired by the fact that I got moderated for NO REASON WHATSOEVER. It's all sooo unfair (pity me), and so I had to express my anger and pain in this fic. _

The _Zip-it_ bit is a shameless rip-off of _The Spy That Shagged Me_.It's not like _Austin Powers_ is going to read this, anyway.

_DEVO_ owns the copyright to their song, _Whip It_ (or their record label, whatever, I'm too lazy to look it up).

And, I'm not making fun of the _Village People_ or the _Spice Girls_. Well, maybe just a little. ;)

************ I - The Modman ************

Instructor Trepe's classroom, 15 seconds to end of class. Zell is fidgeting like he's got ants in his pants.

Quistis: "Mr.Dincht, is something wrong with your seat?"

Zell: "Huh? Nah, just waiting for the bell to ring."

Quistis: "Until then, would you sit down properly, please?"

***DRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!***

Zell: "YAY!"- Dashes out of classroom and collides with Cid.

Cid: "Mr.Dincht! Garden is NOT a race track!"

Zell (looking sheepish): "Well...heehee...I was just hurrying to the library to surf...err...study, Sir."

Cid: "That is most commendable, young man."

Zell: _{Heehee! I'm sooooo goooood!}_

Cid: "And you will find that the tranquility of detention is most suited to intellectual pursuits."- Hands Zell a detention certificate.

Zell: "..."=0

Cid: "Good day, Mr.Dincht. Please, carry on."

Zell: _{@#$%!}_

Zell finally reaches the Garden's library. Seifer, as usual, has monopolized the best computer, but Zell doesn't mind, for he likes the one in the corner better anyway. Our friend logs on a message board, where an unpleasant surprise awaits him.

**USERNAME**:HotDogger1

**PASSWORD**:**********[itsasecret]

***Welcome HotDogger1, you will now be returned to the topic list***

Zell:"Lets see how my topic _'Ketchup vs Catsup (no flames please)'_ is doing. Shucks, it's not on the first page, not on the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth..."

"Wha?..- DON'T TELL ME THAT IT GOT MODDED! My [BLEEEEP!] topic was [BLEEEEPING!] good! Someone is [BLEEEEEPING!] out to get me!

"Well, I'll just create a new topic! There, let them mod this one: _'Are roasted hot-dogs better than steamed ones (a non bashing topic)'_. Now, lets check a few fics."

Zell catches up on a few fics, surfs the net a little, then comes back to the FF8 Social Board to see how his topic is doing.

Zell:"Man, I love fics! Now, where's my topic..."

"Wha?..Don't [BLEEEEPIN'!] tell me that it got [BLEEEEEP!] modded again! F*CK! SH*T! I don't [BLEEEEEP!] believe this CR*P! Some [BLEEEEEP!] doesn't know what a [BLEEEEEPING!] great topic is!!! If I find the [offspring of a female dog] who is [CENSORED] doing this, I'll..."

_********** Interlude **********_

Author's note: Dear reader, I apologize for this intrusion, but I have to have a little discussion with Zell, regarding his language. [This fic was supposed to be rated 'G' btw, I guess we can forget about that now]

Me: "Zell, do you remember what we talked about, before I gave you this gig?"

Zell: "To leave your beer stash alone?"

Me: "No, the other thing."

Zell: "To ask for permission, before I go through your naughty magazines' hiding place?"

Me: "WHA?...How the @#$& do you know about THAT! - Er, I mean, what naughty magazines?"

Zell: "The ones you don't want your girlfriend to find out abou..."

Me: "THAT'S ENOUGH! This is NOT about me anyway! I was referring to your foul mouth. We have a contract, remember?"

Zell: "I just thought that a little 'colorful' language would give depth to my character."

Me: "Zelly, baby, I love you, you know I do, and you know that I would never infringe on your freedom of expression. May I bring your attention to clause #82, sub-clause #36, paragraph #13, line #126 of our contract?"[Hollywood talk, guys]

Zell: "YOU WOULDN'T!"

Me: "Ho, yes! I would, I can, and I will! Now, get your butt back to work! We have a fic to do here!"

Zell: *coughlosercough*

Me: "I beg your pardon?"

Zell: "Huh, nothing, just clearing my throat."

Me: "Good." - And now, dear reader, we can get back to our fic. Thank you for your patience.

_********** End of Interlude **********_

Zell: "I'm not giving up that easily! Here's another topic for you, 'Modman': _'Reasons why I hate veggie-dogs (an opinion)'_."

Meanwhile...

Seifer: "Hehehe! Take that, Chicken-Wuss!"=)

As the fates [me, the writer in this instance] would have it, Selphie walks into the library and peeks over Seifer's shoulder.

Selphie: "Hiya, Seifer. Whatcha doin'? - Hooooooooo! So you're the one that has been modding Zell. That's, like, sooooo uncool, you know."

Seifer: "Selphie!..Heehee..You're not going to tell Zell now, will you?"

Selphie: "I sure will, you meanie."

Seifer: "Listen, if you keep this quiet, I'll give you all my candy, here."

Selphie: "Yummy! Sourballs! K! You got a deal."

Selphie walks away, eating the sourballs. On her way out (she completely forgot why she came to the library in the first place) she bumps into Irvine.

Irvine: "Hiya, Missy. Where yah got all that candy?"

Selphie: "Seifer gave it to me so I wouldn't tell that he's the one that has been modding Zell but -hushhhhhhhhh- it's supposed to be a secret so don't try to make me spill the beans mister! Selphie Tilmitt knows how to keep a secret you know and nothing will make me speak - Ho! Rinoa is waiting for me we're going shopping *kissy kissy* bye now.":: Kisses Irvine and leaves::

Irvine: "Phew! And, *aaaaaack* That kiss tasted of cheap sour candy. Better tell my li'l partner about this."

While Mr.Almasy was happily posting off-topic, for the sole purpose of annoying as many people as possible, Irvine informed Zell of the situation. It was all the cowboy could do to keep the blond guy from strangling Seifer on the premises.

Zell: "THE [BLEEEEEEPIN'!] BASTARD! I'M GONNA [BLEEEEEEEP!] HIS [BLEEEEEEEPS!] OFF! SH*T! THE SON O..."

*** AHEM! ***[Me, the writer]

Zell: "Ooopsie! Sorry, got carried away there." {_#@$%& Contract!_} "I meant that I'll politely separate that cross-breed from some of his favorite anatomical parts."

************ II - Sweet Revenge ************

One week later, Zell and Irvine had devised a plan to get back to Seifer. Little did they suspected that their, half-baked, scheme would have unforeseen developments.

Zell: "Man, breaking in the Headmaster's office was sooo easy. How did you know about these pictures of him, anyway?"

Irvine: "He sent Selphie to get that pacifier, and the diaper. Yah know how good Selphie is at keeping secrets."

Zell/Irvine: *laughter*

Zell: "Did Selphie manage to get Seifer's user-account information?"

Irvine: "Yup! Almasy even gave her more candy, so she would keep her yap shut."

Zell/Irvine: *laughter*

Our friends make their way to the library. Once there, they hack into the Garden's computer system, and send, rather compromising, pictures of Cid all over, using Seifer's accounts.

Twenty minutes later, everybody in Garden is either laughing their heads off, or rolling uncontrollably on the ground, holding their sides.

Did I say '_everybody_'? - Actually, a certain headmaster is NOT amused, not amused at all, I guess you can even say that he was in quite a rotten mood...

Cid (over the Garden's intercom): "Mr.Almasy, Mr.Kinneas, and Mr.Dincht, report to my office IMMEDIATELY."

When our trio gets to Cid's office, the Headmaster is viewing a surveillance tape. It shows a cowboy, and a blond guy, busy at mischief.

Cid: "Well, well, well, gentlemen. I prayed that you three would learn to work as a team, some day. I just dared to hope, that it would serve a more constructive purpose. I can't think of a suitable punishment, for your little prank, right now. As soon as I come up with one, you'll be the first ones to know..."

Seifer: "Headmaster, I had nothing to do with this!"

Cid: "Silence, Mr.Almasy. Don't try to make me believe, that these two pulled a stunt like this, all by themselves. Just look at them."

Cid points to Zell and Irvine, that are performing their best, and most convincing, impersonation of Dumb & Dumber, ever.

Seifer: "But, I was framed!"

Cid: "Zip-it, Mr.Almasy."

Seifer: "I'm the victim here!"

Cid: "I said, ZIP-IT."

Seifer: "Those guys did it!"

Cid: "Viva ZIPata!"

Seifer: "This is unfair!"

Cid: "Zippity-Doo-Da..."

Seifer: "Mr.Kramer, you're being fooled!"

Cid: "Zippity-Hey..."

Seifer: "I'm telling you, I'm innocent!"

Cid: "Oh my, oh my, what a wonderful day...to Zip-it."

Seifer: "Why would I do such a thing, anyway!"

Cid: "Zip-it dot net."

Seifer: "Sir, listen to me..."

Cid: " The Zip-it Years."

Seifer: "This is..."

Cid: "The Zip-it Years, part II."

Seifer: "...an outrage!"

Cid: _"When a problem comes along, you must Zip-it..."_

Seifer: "But, I..."

Cid: _"Before the cream sits out too long, you must Zip-it..."_

Zell: "DEVO! Cool!"^_^

Seifer: "Wha..."

Cid: _"When something's going wrong, you must Zip-it..."_

Seifer: "Cid, come on!"

Cid:_"Now Zip-it!_

_into shape!"_

Seifer: "Why..."

Cid:_"shape it up!_

_get Zipped!"_

Seifer: "Listen..."

Cid:_"go forward!_

_move ahead!"_

Seifer: "They..."

Cid:_"try to Zip-it!_

_it's not too late!"_

Seifer: "You..."

Cid:_"to Zip-it!_

_Zip-it good!"_

Seifer: "This is..."

Cid: _"When a good time turns around, you must Zip-it..."_

Seifer: "...pure b*llsh*t!"

Cid: _"You will never live it down, unless you Zip-it..._"

Seifer: "But..."

Cid: _"No one gets their way, until they Zip-it..."_

Seifer: " I..."

Cid:_"I say ZIP-IT!_

_ZIP-IT GOOD!"_

Seifer: "..."

************ III - Epilogue ************

Zell, Irvine, and Seifer got six months of latrine-duty, eight months of detention, and a whole year barred from accessing the internet without proper supervision.

But something good came out of all this, for the three guys got to know each other, and bonded.

Seifer took to wearing army-fatigues, and Zell got a feathered headdress (initially to play Cowboys and Indians with Irvine).

Soon after, Squall grew a moustache, the furry thing around his collar ran away, and Rinoa gave him a leather cap.

At about that time, Raijin got fed-up of Fujin's abuse, so he quit his job as a police officer in Balamb, but kept the uniform, and took off.

Ward retired from being a construction worker, and him and Raijin joined the guys to start an all-boy band, the _Garden People_.

Their first hit, _In The Galbadian Navy_, made them an overnight musical phenomenon. Their current success, _Y.M.C.G._ (Young Men of Centra Garden), has remained on the Billboard's Top-Ten for six consecutive weeks, in Galbadia, Timber, and Esthar.

Since the guys were always on tour, the girls got bored. They decided to make their very own all-girl band, the _Condiment Girls_.

Selphie (Babe condiment), Rinoa (Pushy condiment), Quistis (Athletic condiment), and Xu (Gingerbread condiment) attained superstardom status, when Kiros (Spooky condiment) joined them, and they released their mega-hit, _Wannabe A SeeD_ (ZigaSeeD Ah!).

Zell bought himself a computer, and an Internet access, with the royalties. But he can't surf as much as he would like to, for you see, the _Garden People_ are in high demand for concerts and promotions.

Kiros left the _Condiment Girls_ to follow a solo career, after their first (and last) movie, _Condiment World_, bombed at the box-office. He presently keeps a low profile, what with that Timber Royal scandal and all...

I'm still wondering what the hell "Zigazig Ah!" means, but that's another story.

So, everything is well, that ends well.

And, of course, they all lived happily ever after...

...Or until I get another crazy fic idea, that is. ;)

**Zigazig AH!-Oopsie! I meant...***** THE END *******


End file.
